Don’t go into a relationship — or institution — thinking you can change them
EXTRA: My Newest Column at Religion News Service
Dear Readers,
I have a column that runs monthly (or so) at Religion News Service. This most recent one has gotten a lot of traction, so it made me realize I could send these columns along to you to read (or not). This one relates to some of the more personal posts I’ve made here since starting my substack. I can’t copy the whole thing, but here is a bit, followed by a link to the rest if it piques your interest.
One other note: I don’t read the comments on my column because, well, I don’t read the comments—except for here! :)
Here’s the excerpt:
I thought for a long time I could help the church (or at least my slice of it) change. I could take a community and denomination rife with racism, cronyism, misogyny and abuse and change it.
How foolish I was.
And prideful, too, I guess.
Now, to be clear, no human institution or community is perfect. Every human institution and community (and person) can be and is influenced by others (whether for good or ill). I firmly believe we can and do make a difference by our mere existence, our presence and our very person wherever we are. This is what it means to be human, to be in this world and to be charged by God to be faithful to him and to one another.
But it is as true of institutions as it is of people: We ought not go in expecting to change them. Instead we must accept them for who and what they are (or aren’t) and enter into relationships (or not) based on who and what they already are.
You can read the entire essay here: https://religionnews.com/2023/11/20/dont-go-into-a-relationship-or-institution-thinking-you-can-change-them/
Happy Thanksgiving! I’m grateful for you, dear readers.
This resonated with me in the same way a recent piece in the Atlantic did about Mitt Romney (take that, I hope, as a compliment!).
In that piece, Romney laments the state of the Senate he loves, and at one point exasperated and frustrated asks what many of us wonder: “What is the weight of personal acclaim compared to the weight of conscience?”
It's so frustrating to not be able to control what people choose, which often seems personal acclaim and more power.
But we must avoid seeking our own power as "change-agents."
Ironically, those who attempt to try and change others fall into the same trap of pride and arrogance so often demonstrated by those they would seek to change.
I enjoyed your article. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and experience. I wrestled with a lot of second guessing and guilt over leaving a community in 2020. Over time, the Lord has given me more and more peace about it. Your words are another confirmation that my decision was the right one. I'm grateful for you! Happy Thanksgiving!